Body language, gestures, non-verbal communication – no matter what term is used, it is often used as a way to understand what another person is really thinking, regardless of what they are saying.
But, is everything we think we know about body language accurate? There are some myths that abound about body language that simply aren’t true.
The Eyes of a Liar
Most people will say that someone cannot look another person in the eyes and lie, but that is a myth. In fact, research conducted by Paul Ekman, a pioneer in the study of facial expressions, proves the exact opposite. Ekman’s research found that pathological liars have no problem staring someone in the eyes and lying.
And what about people who avoid eye contact? Are they being deceptive? Ekman pointed out that nervousness can make people dart their eyes and shyness can cause them to avoid eye contact completely, even when telling the truth. In some cultures, avoiding eye contact, especially in younger people, is encouraged.
Eye Contact is Good
Going along with the myth that liars cannot look a person in the eye, many believe that more eye contact is better. However, directing a fixated stare at another usually makes the other person uncomfortable. Eye contact that lasts a few seconds is best for showing attention and conveying sincerity. Any eye contact longer than that may be perceived by the other person as flirtation or intimidation.
Hands Behind the Back
Some people mistake a person putting his or her hands behind their back when standing as a sign of power. Known as the “Prince Charles” stance, this type of body language is actually not seen by others as a sign of strength but as that of someone who is not trustworthy. People like to see a person’s hands in order to know what they are doing with them. To gain a person’s trust, a person should keep their hands front and centre.
Touching Shows Dominance
Another body language misconception is that people in power show their dominance over others by touching them. Research has shown the opposite. It is often the person of lower status that touches first. Research has also proven that women are more likely to initiate touch than men.
A Smile Means Happiness
We often associate smiles with happiness but again, that is a myth. People may smile for many reasons including when they are fearful, in contempt, feeling dejected, and unhappy.
Babies begin to smile within hours after birth, but their social smile, one in which they fix their gaze upon another person’s face, doesn’t happen until they are between five weeks and four months old. While smiles can have a powerful effect on others, it doesn’t always mean the one smiling is happy.
Fast-Talkers Can’t Be Trusted
Many people have been confronted with a fast-talking salesman who has tried to trick them into buying something. But, fast-talk doesn’t necessarily mean someone is trying to bamboozle you.
While people may be suspicious of fast-talkers, they should actually be more suspicious of those that talk slower. Speakers who take too many pauses or have long pauses peppered with “ah” and “uh” may be trying to making up details of the story he or she wants to tell as they go along.
Research has proven that some people have misconceptions about body language and what it actually means. Remember to take all things into account – culture, social dynamics, personal habits – and use as much information as possible when judging another based solely on his or her body language.
domingo, 28 de novembro de 2010
Interpreting Body Language
The study of body language looks at both specific body language movements as well as how both the sender and the receiver interpret those movements. Interpreting body language is critical to fully understanding communication but interpretation is tremendously subjective depending on situation, culture, and other circumstances.
Different Situations, Different Interpretations
Interpretations of a single body language message may vary greatly depending on both the situation and the person doing the interpreting. Whether you are at work, at home, at a restaurant, in a car, etc., any given non-verbal message will have multiple, often wildly different, meanings.
Let’s look at one simple action – a hug between two people – and how its meaning varies in different situations;
* At work – Work is a relatively formal situation so a hug between two people usually appears a bit out of place. When it occurs, it may be a sign of support, friendship, flirtation, or even dominance. It can also meaning a person is nervous, extroverted, or simply has a very large boundary of personal space.
* At a party – A party is a relatively informal situation so a hug between two people usually appears much more natural and appropriate. When it occurs, it may be a sign of greeting, happiness, affection, flirtation, or departure from the location.
* On a date – A date can range from ‘getting to know you’ to spending time within an intimate relationship. Because of this, when a hug occurs it may be a sign of greeting, flirtation, support, affection, closeness, couple status, a desire for increased intimacy, or even a desire to avoid the greater intimacy of a kiss.
* Between two men – A hug between two men is a relatively rare occurrence in some situations and quite common in other situations. When it occurs, it may be a sign of masculinity, friendship, happiness, affection, intimacy, awkwardness, informality, or confidence.
* Between two women – A hug between two women is much more common and likely to happen in a greater number of situations. When it occurs, it may be a sign of friendship, emotion, surprise, happiness, sadness, support, comfort, welcome, warmth, and even introduction.
* Between a man and a woman – A hug between a man and a woman often happens in informal and intimate situations, but may also happen in situations that are more formal. When it occurs, it may be a sign of attraction, affection, intimacy, greeting, flirtation, friendship, familiarity, dominance, status, comfort, or even control.
These examples just scratch the surface of variations. Think back through your own life experiences and you’ll probably recognise many of these examples. What’s more, you’ll probably come up with many, many more examples unique to you.
Different Cultures, Different Interpretations
Some of the greatest differences in body language interpretation occur between different cultures. These variations can range from what is considered appropriate in formal versus informal situations, to professional versus personal situations, to specific symbolic meanings.
For instance, in cultures where body language is typically quite expressive (Italy, Latin America, Spain) a hug or a kiss on the cheek is often interpreted as nothing more than a common greeting. However, in cultures where body language is more reserved (Japan, the Middle East, some parts of Europe) the same hug or kiss would often be interpreted as inappropriate, too familiar, rude, or even threatening.
Another example is the common body language of holding hands. In the United States, it is interpreted as a sign of intimacy and couple status between two people, or protection and guidance between an adult and a child. Take a walk in Japan or Saudi Arabia, though, and holding hands is interpreted as a sign of friendship between two women but a sign of promiscuity and even vulgarity between a man and a woman.
Gestures are a form of body language that can literally have entirely opposite meanings in different cultures. If you hold up two fingers in a ‘v’ sign it means victory or peace in the United States when the palm is facing outward, but in the UK it means ‘up yours’ when the palm is facing inward.
Another gesture with vastly different interpretations is called the ring gesture. It is formed by touching the tips of your thumb and index finger to form a circle and extending the rest of your fingers outward. In France, it means you think someone is worthless, but in Japan, it means you’re referring to money.
Why do Differences in Interpretation Matter?
Differences in interpretation of body language matter a great deal because they are integral to interpretation and understanding communication in general. When sender and receiver interpret non-verbal cues differently, the potential for misunderstanding, insult, and other problems grows tremendously.
Different Situations, Different Interpretations
Interpretations of a single body language message may vary greatly depending on both the situation and the person doing the interpreting. Whether you are at work, at home, at a restaurant, in a car, etc., any given non-verbal message will have multiple, often wildly different, meanings.
Let’s look at one simple action – a hug between two people – and how its meaning varies in different situations;
* At work – Work is a relatively formal situation so a hug between two people usually appears a bit out of place. When it occurs, it may be a sign of support, friendship, flirtation, or even dominance. It can also meaning a person is nervous, extroverted, or simply has a very large boundary of personal space.
* At a party – A party is a relatively informal situation so a hug between two people usually appears much more natural and appropriate. When it occurs, it may be a sign of greeting, happiness, affection, flirtation, or departure from the location.
* On a date – A date can range from ‘getting to know you’ to spending time within an intimate relationship. Because of this, when a hug occurs it may be a sign of greeting, flirtation, support, affection, closeness, couple status, a desire for increased intimacy, or even a desire to avoid the greater intimacy of a kiss.
* Between two men – A hug between two men is a relatively rare occurrence in some situations and quite common in other situations. When it occurs, it may be a sign of masculinity, friendship, happiness, affection, intimacy, awkwardness, informality, or confidence.
* Between two women – A hug between two women is much more common and likely to happen in a greater number of situations. When it occurs, it may be a sign of friendship, emotion, surprise, happiness, sadness, support, comfort, welcome, warmth, and even introduction.
* Between a man and a woman – A hug between a man and a woman often happens in informal and intimate situations, but may also happen in situations that are more formal. When it occurs, it may be a sign of attraction, affection, intimacy, greeting, flirtation, friendship, familiarity, dominance, status, comfort, or even control.
These examples just scratch the surface of variations. Think back through your own life experiences and you’ll probably recognise many of these examples. What’s more, you’ll probably come up with many, many more examples unique to you.
Different Cultures, Different Interpretations
Some of the greatest differences in body language interpretation occur between different cultures. These variations can range from what is considered appropriate in formal versus informal situations, to professional versus personal situations, to specific symbolic meanings.
For instance, in cultures where body language is typically quite expressive (Italy, Latin America, Spain) a hug or a kiss on the cheek is often interpreted as nothing more than a common greeting. However, in cultures where body language is more reserved (Japan, the Middle East, some parts of Europe) the same hug or kiss would often be interpreted as inappropriate, too familiar, rude, or even threatening.
Another example is the common body language of holding hands. In the United States, it is interpreted as a sign of intimacy and couple status between two people, or protection and guidance between an adult and a child. Take a walk in Japan or Saudi Arabia, though, and holding hands is interpreted as a sign of friendship between two women but a sign of promiscuity and even vulgarity between a man and a woman.
Gestures are a form of body language that can literally have entirely opposite meanings in different cultures. If you hold up two fingers in a ‘v’ sign it means victory or peace in the United States when the palm is facing outward, but in the UK it means ‘up yours’ when the palm is facing inward.
Another gesture with vastly different interpretations is called the ring gesture. It is formed by touching the tips of your thumb and index finger to form a circle and extending the rest of your fingers outward. In France, it means you think someone is worthless, but in Japan, it means you’re referring to money.
Why do Differences in Interpretation Matter?
Differences in interpretation of body language matter a great deal because they are integral to interpretation and understanding communication in general. When sender and receiver interpret non-verbal cues differently, the potential for misunderstanding, insult, and other problems grows tremendously.
How Prevalent is Non Verbal Behaviour?
Many of us say what we feel by opening our mouths and letting the words come out, sometimes without considering what it is we actually want to say. Likewise we can use our bodies to give off signals, make gestures and add emotion or depth to a thought or feeling.
Non Verbal Behaviour
Each and every one of us during the course of every day uses non verbal behaviour as a means of embellishing what we say. Sometimes we do it knowingly and sometimes we do it as a matter of instinct; however we choose to do it though our bodies, eyes, hands and arms give away perhaps more than we would like.
The Eyes
Sometimes the eyes say more than our mouths – we can look at someone with a look that gives away more depth of emotion than the words we speak. We can look at an individual with a stare that looks as though we are angry or we can look at someone lovingly.
Our eyes truly are the windows to our souls and when we look at others they can tell instantly whether or not we are happy, sad, angry or shy.
The Hands
Many of us use our hands to embellish the words we say; we can do this by waving our hands around if we are excited or angry or if we want to tell a story with more emotion we can use our hands to make signs and gestures that tell others more about the depth of emotion felt at the time.
Some people keep their hands in their pockets and they do this because they are expressive when it comes to hand gestures. Others keep their hands in their pockets because they fidget uncomfortably with their fingers if they tell a lie or are nervous.
There are others who bite their fingernails when nervous or in the process of telling a lie and sometimes the hands, in conjunction with the eyes, can tell an entirely different story.
Reading Non Verbal Behaviour
There is no better place to observe non verbal behaviour than in a nightclub or at a dating event. Individuals – both male and female – will observe each other from afar and can gesture to each other using their hands, their eyes or indeed their legs as a means of indicating their liking of a person.
It is said that women cross their legs from one side to the other to show their liking of a man who may be watching them; this is not meant in a sexual way but is simply meant to indicate they have a visual attraction at least.
Again as we have said there is no better place to read non-verbal behaviour then in a nightclub – noisy, dimly lit, non verbal behaviour is sometimes the only way in which to communicate in these places.
The manner in way people dance is also an indication of how they feel about another person; dancing close to them indicates liking them and if the couple are together then dancing closely indicates they want to be close to each other and enjoy being close to each other. Whilst couples who dance a distance apart are often only doing so to keep up appearances for the benefit of those around them.
Reading the Signs
It is important to note that as well as we think we might know a person their body language can tell us so much more about them especially when it comes to their moods. However it is also important to note that some individuals are particularly good at disguising their moods and their body language.
For most though there will be at least one tell-tale sign that gives their mood away and it is always worth watching for this sign but not too closely as sometimes the slightest movement can be misread.
Non Verbal Behaviour
Each and every one of us during the course of every day uses non verbal behaviour as a means of embellishing what we say. Sometimes we do it knowingly and sometimes we do it as a matter of instinct; however we choose to do it though our bodies, eyes, hands and arms give away perhaps more than we would like.
The Eyes
Sometimes the eyes say more than our mouths – we can look at someone with a look that gives away more depth of emotion than the words we speak. We can look at an individual with a stare that looks as though we are angry or we can look at someone lovingly.
Our eyes truly are the windows to our souls and when we look at others they can tell instantly whether or not we are happy, sad, angry or shy.
The Hands
Many of us use our hands to embellish the words we say; we can do this by waving our hands around if we are excited or angry or if we want to tell a story with more emotion we can use our hands to make signs and gestures that tell others more about the depth of emotion felt at the time.
Some people keep their hands in their pockets and they do this because they are expressive when it comes to hand gestures. Others keep their hands in their pockets because they fidget uncomfortably with their fingers if they tell a lie or are nervous.
There are others who bite their fingernails when nervous or in the process of telling a lie and sometimes the hands, in conjunction with the eyes, can tell an entirely different story.
Reading Non Verbal Behaviour
There is no better place to observe non verbal behaviour than in a nightclub or at a dating event. Individuals – both male and female – will observe each other from afar and can gesture to each other using their hands, their eyes or indeed their legs as a means of indicating their liking of a person.
It is said that women cross their legs from one side to the other to show their liking of a man who may be watching them; this is not meant in a sexual way but is simply meant to indicate they have a visual attraction at least.
Again as we have said there is no better place to read non-verbal behaviour then in a nightclub – noisy, dimly lit, non verbal behaviour is sometimes the only way in which to communicate in these places.
The manner in way people dance is also an indication of how they feel about another person; dancing close to them indicates liking them and if the couple are together then dancing closely indicates they want to be close to each other and enjoy being close to each other. Whilst couples who dance a distance apart are often only doing so to keep up appearances for the benefit of those around them.
Reading the Signs
It is important to note that as well as we think we might know a person their body language can tell us so much more about them especially when it comes to their moods. However it is also important to note that some individuals are particularly good at disguising their moods and their body language.
For most though there will be at least one tell-tale sign that gives their mood away and it is always worth watching for this sign but not too closely as sometimes the slightest movement can be misread.
How Body Language Influences Daily Life
Body language is part of every aspect of your daily life. It affects your interactions with other people your observations of other people, and even your interactions and observations with yourself. Many people don’t realize just how powerful body language is when it comes to self-esteem, self-confidence, and just generally feeling good about yourself.
How Does Your Body Language Affect You?
Maybe your mother told you to smile, even if you don’t feel like it, because it can help you and the people around you feel a bit better. This old piece of advice has very real roots in reality, because your own body language has a powerful effect on you as well as on the people around you.
Let’s go back to the smile for a moment. Try it for yourself right now; smile for a few seconds and notice how you feel. You might feel a bit silly, of course, but chances are you also feel at least an inkling of more positive feelings. Counsellors and mental health professionals often use this technique to help people with depression literally lift their own spirits, encouraging those people to make a conscious effort to smile as much as possible.
Body position and posture is also an important factor in your self-esteem and self-confidence. You can try this for yourself, too. Stand up and walk across the room with your shoulders slumped, your head tilted down, and your feet dragging just a bit. How does it feel? Now walk back across the room with your shoulders square and back, your head held up, and your feet moving briskly. How does it feel? What differences did you notice?
Applying Your Body Language to Your Daily Life
Okay, so your own body language does have an impact on your daily life. What advantage is there to knowing this? Well, for one thing, it gives you a greater amount of control over your own emotions and attitude. Now, of course a smile alone is not going to correct a great deal of sadness, fear, and the like, but when used consistently and in combination with other non-verbal self cues, it can help you start to feel better.
Another part of applying body language to your daily life is your appearance. What happens when you just throw on a pair of jeans and an old t-shirt? How do you feel? Now think about when you get dressed up in nice clothes with your hair neat and makeup (if applicable) looking good? How do you feel? Chances are the simple action of putting on nice clothes and a bit of primping leaves you feeling confident, happy, and attractive.
Think about all of the different ways your own body language gives your own brain some important non-verbal clues. Sometimes it is really hard to force yourself to ‘perk up’ and change your body language. It may even feel as if you’re ‘lying’ to yourself a little bit. Despite these feelings, rest assured that there is nothing deceitful about using non-verbal actions to build up your own confidence and self-esteem. Just the opposite, in fact, because knowing how and when to do this is a powerful tool in your arsenal of dealing with the challenges and opportunities of daily life.
How Does Your Body Language Affect You?
Maybe your mother told you to smile, even if you don’t feel like it, because it can help you and the people around you feel a bit better. This old piece of advice has very real roots in reality, because your own body language has a powerful effect on you as well as on the people around you.
Let’s go back to the smile for a moment. Try it for yourself right now; smile for a few seconds and notice how you feel. You might feel a bit silly, of course, but chances are you also feel at least an inkling of more positive feelings. Counsellors and mental health professionals often use this technique to help people with depression literally lift their own spirits, encouraging those people to make a conscious effort to smile as much as possible.
Body position and posture is also an important factor in your self-esteem and self-confidence. You can try this for yourself, too. Stand up and walk across the room with your shoulders slumped, your head tilted down, and your feet dragging just a bit. How does it feel? Now walk back across the room with your shoulders square and back, your head held up, and your feet moving briskly. How does it feel? What differences did you notice?
Applying Your Body Language to Your Daily Life
Okay, so your own body language does have an impact on your daily life. What advantage is there to knowing this? Well, for one thing, it gives you a greater amount of control over your own emotions and attitude. Now, of course a smile alone is not going to correct a great deal of sadness, fear, and the like, but when used consistently and in combination with other non-verbal self cues, it can help you start to feel better.
Another part of applying body language to your daily life is your appearance. What happens when you just throw on a pair of jeans and an old t-shirt? How do you feel? Now think about when you get dressed up in nice clothes with your hair neat and makeup (if applicable) looking good? How do you feel? Chances are the simple action of putting on nice clothes and a bit of primping leaves you feeling confident, happy, and attractive.
Think about all of the different ways your own body language gives your own brain some important non-verbal clues. Sometimes it is really hard to force yourself to ‘perk up’ and change your body language. It may even feel as if you’re ‘lying’ to yourself a little bit. Despite these feelings, rest assured that there is nothing deceitful about using non-verbal actions to build up your own confidence and self-esteem. Just the opposite, in fact, because knowing how and when to do this is a powerful tool in your arsenal of dealing with the challenges and opportunities of daily life.
Body Language Across Cultures
It used to be that the study of body language across cultures was an academic pursuit interesting but not really vital in the course of daily living. Now, however, with our globalised economy and greater exposure to diverse cultures, understanding differences in body language can have a huge impact on many aspects of work, business, and personal life.
Examples of Cultural Differences
Cultural differences in body language may show up in a wide variety of ways, such as the amount of physical touch, the conversational distance between people, the interactions between same genders, the interactions between different genders, and the like.
For example, some cultures are very expressive when it comes to physical touch. Think about Italy where a big hug and kiss on each cheek is considered a common and acceptable greeting, and then compare it to Japan where a proper greeting consists of a respectful bow and no touch at all.
Personal space and comfort distances are very personal, of course, but they also are influenced by cultural expectations. In South America, for instance, personal space and comfort distances tend to be quite small. People stand very close to each other to talk, even when they don’t know each other very well. Go to the United States, though, and personal space becomes much larger; people are not as comfortable when others stand close to them, especially if they are not very well acquainted.
Cultural differences in body language extend to gender interactions as well. Many cultures still view men as dominant and of higher status than women, and their body language expectations reflect this view. Women may be expected to avert their eyes in the presence of a man, or walk a few steps behind him. Western cultures, in general, have gradually revised their gender expectations to allow men and women to share more equal status in terms of acceptable body language.
Practical Applications of Cultural Differences
Anybody who travels to different countries, whether for business or pleasure, must have a good understanding of body language expectations. In the business world, the wrong body language messages can skewer a deal quite fast. In the world of general travel, the wrong body language messages can lead to hostile and even dangerous situations.
For instance, in the Middle East a male businessperson has much more leeway in terms of where and how he walks than a female does, not to mention much different levels of access to local business opportunities. In fact, very few women do business in the Middle East because the cultural aversion to interacting with women is just too much to overcome.
If you are planning a vacation to other countries, you should always pay attention to the body language expectations. For instance, if you get lost in Japan you’re much more likely to get help from a local citizen if you know to show respectful body language and follow local customs of bowing and avoiding touch.
The bottom line when it comes to cultural differences is that knowledge is the key. If you go to a different culture it only makes sense to learn about their expectations and adhere to those expectations during your time there. It shows respect for the culture, respect for the people, and may even keep you from inadvertently breaking the law in some very conservative countries. When you understand and apply appropriate body language behaviours, your entire experience is likely to be more pleasant and successful.
Examples of Cultural Differences
Cultural differences in body language may show up in a wide variety of ways, such as the amount of physical touch, the conversational distance between people, the interactions between same genders, the interactions between different genders, and the like.
For example, some cultures are very expressive when it comes to physical touch. Think about Italy where a big hug and kiss on each cheek is considered a common and acceptable greeting, and then compare it to Japan where a proper greeting consists of a respectful bow and no touch at all.
Personal space and comfort distances are very personal, of course, but they also are influenced by cultural expectations. In South America, for instance, personal space and comfort distances tend to be quite small. People stand very close to each other to talk, even when they don’t know each other very well. Go to the United States, though, and personal space becomes much larger; people are not as comfortable when others stand close to them, especially if they are not very well acquainted.
Cultural differences in body language extend to gender interactions as well. Many cultures still view men as dominant and of higher status than women, and their body language expectations reflect this view. Women may be expected to avert their eyes in the presence of a man, or walk a few steps behind him. Western cultures, in general, have gradually revised their gender expectations to allow men and women to share more equal status in terms of acceptable body language.
Practical Applications of Cultural Differences
Anybody who travels to different countries, whether for business or pleasure, must have a good understanding of body language expectations. In the business world, the wrong body language messages can skewer a deal quite fast. In the world of general travel, the wrong body language messages can lead to hostile and even dangerous situations.
For instance, in the Middle East a male businessperson has much more leeway in terms of where and how he walks than a female does, not to mention much different levels of access to local business opportunities. In fact, very few women do business in the Middle East because the cultural aversion to interacting with women is just too much to overcome.
If you are planning a vacation to other countries, you should always pay attention to the body language expectations. For instance, if you get lost in Japan you’re much more likely to get help from a local citizen if you know to show respectful body language and follow local customs of bowing and avoiding touch.
The bottom line when it comes to cultural differences is that knowledge is the key. If you go to a different culture it only makes sense to learn about their expectations and adhere to those expectations during your time there. It shows respect for the culture, respect for the people, and may even keep you from inadvertently breaking the law in some very conservative countries. When you understand and apply appropriate body language behaviours, your entire experience is likely to be more pleasant and successful.
How to Recognise Negative Body Language
The first thing to remember about body language is that it says what you can’t or don’t want to say verbally. Body language is an extension of a human being’s ability to communicate and as such it can be used as a means of passing over positive vibes or negative vibes almost as clearly as if we were to say something in a happy or sad tone of voice. This form of nonverbal communication is very important as to how a person is portrayed.
What is Negative Body Language?
As we have briefly touched upon negative body language is any kind of movement of the body, head, eyes, any part of the visible anatomy that alludes to us as individuals being unhappy or displeased by something or someone.
Negative body language often manifests itself in one of the following physical ways:
* Shoulders drawn back
* Persistent eye contact (staring)
* Arms crossed over the chest
* Sweating
* Hands clenched to make fists
* Swaying back and forth
* Grinding teeth
All of the aforementioned physical displays can be attributed to negative body language and are often seen during a host of different scenarios. Indeed many of them you may be a regular user of yourself depending on the nature of (a) your mood and (b) the circumstances surrounding that mood.
How Mood Affects Negative Body Language
If you are happy then your body will feel relaxed, your muscles will be loose and your eyes will convey a sense of contentment. This however is not the case if you are in a bad mood.
We categorise a bad mood as being annoyed or upset or unhappy about something or indeed someone and although we can hide this mood by trying to be jolly and chatting with people in the usual way our bodies and their movements, stances and postures can unmask even the best performance.
If you are in a less than happy mood it is likely you will pace around, stand up a lot of the time, tap your fingers or do any of the things we mentioned earlier on. Our minds, although trying to focus our attention away from what is bothering us, cannot control all of our body’s movements and so some of them slip through and are visible.
What Causes Negative Body Language?
As we have already mentioned mood has a lot to do with negative body language but there are other factors which have a bearing on it as well. Some of the factors contributing to negative body language are as follows:
* Boredom
* Frustration
* Nervousness
* Being suspicious of someone in our company
* Staking a claim on our territory
All of these can cause a display of negative body language and again sometimes the mind is unable to stop this display from manifesting itself physically or even know its happening.
We each of us know how our partners and other family members behave and it is likely that they know how we behave when we find ourselves in any of the aforementioned sets of circumstances so it is a wise idea to ask them as to how they see you behave in those circumstances. You may find the results surprising.
What is Negative Body Language?
As we have briefly touched upon negative body language is any kind of movement of the body, head, eyes, any part of the visible anatomy that alludes to us as individuals being unhappy or displeased by something or someone.
Negative body language often manifests itself in one of the following physical ways:
* Shoulders drawn back
* Persistent eye contact (staring)
* Arms crossed over the chest
* Sweating
* Hands clenched to make fists
* Swaying back and forth
* Grinding teeth
All of the aforementioned physical displays can be attributed to negative body language and are often seen during a host of different scenarios. Indeed many of them you may be a regular user of yourself depending on the nature of (a) your mood and (b) the circumstances surrounding that mood.
How Mood Affects Negative Body Language
If you are happy then your body will feel relaxed, your muscles will be loose and your eyes will convey a sense of contentment. This however is not the case if you are in a bad mood.
We categorise a bad mood as being annoyed or upset or unhappy about something or indeed someone and although we can hide this mood by trying to be jolly and chatting with people in the usual way our bodies and their movements, stances and postures can unmask even the best performance.
If you are in a less than happy mood it is likely you will pace around, stand up a lot of the time, tap your fingers or do any of the things we mentioned earlier on. Our minds, although trying to focus our attention away from what is bothering us, cannot control all of our body’s movements and so some of them slip through and are visible.
What Causes Negative Body Language?
As we have already mentioned mood has a lot to do with negative body language but there are other factors which have a bearing on it as well. Some of the factors contributing to negative body language are as follows:
* Boredom
* Frustration
* Nervousness
* Being suspicious of someone in our company
* Staking a claim on our territory
All of these can cause a display of negative body language and again sometimes the mind is unable to stop this display from manifesting itself physically or even know its happening.
We each of us know how our partners and other family members behave and it is likely that they know how we behave when we find ourselves in any of the aforementioned sets of circumstances so it is a wise idea to ask them as to how they see you behave in those circumstances. You may find the results surprising.
Communication - What Percentage is Body Language?
Typically what percentage of communication is made up from the body language of the speakers? I've heard 55%.
A.
The percentage that you have quoted is basically correct, but isn’t always relevant to all modes of communication.
The figure 55% comes from some research that Albert Mehrabian undertook in 1971, the results of which are still often quoted today. Mehrabian basically came to the conclusion that communication, on a face-to-face basis, is thought to consist of three separate elements:
* Words (what is actually said)
* Tone of voice (how we say the words)
* Body Language
All three of these elements can be conveyed at the same time to express an overall message. Often, the tone of voice and body language are combined to become the most powerful form of communication. However, body language – which forms a large part of non-verbal communication – is often used on its own, and is thought to be one of the most ‘telling’ modes of communication. Through his research Mehrabian also surmised that proportionally, the three elements were not of equal importance. He claimed that in face-to-face communication, the majority of what is put across is portrayed through non verbal communication:
* Words (the literal meaning) account for 7% of the overall message
* Tone of voice accounts for 38% of the overall message
* Body Language accounts for 55% of the overall message
Therefore, through face-to-face communication, the nonverbal communication becomes the most powerful mode of communication when conveying feelings or attitudes – e.g. “I like this”, “I don’t like this”. It is much more likely, therefore, to be the primary indicator.
For instance, imagine that a man and a woman are having a blind date. The man asks the woman if she’s enjoying herself. The woman isn’t enjoying herself at all, but wants to be polite, so she says “yes, I’m having a really nice time”. The literal meaning of the words she uses conveys that she is enjoying herself. The tone of voice she uses in conjunction with the words may, however, betray the words she’s speaking. Her closed, awkward body language may also express that she’s not enjoying herself. So the two non-verbal communication elements may give away the fact that she isn’t having a very good time, despite saying she is.
However, it’s worth noting that Mehrabian has since noted “…Unless a communicator is talking about their feelings or attitudes, these equations are not applicable”. In essence, the 7% figure can be misleading as it could imply that the words we say are of relatively little importance. This isn’t the case - the above equation is only really relevant when the words we are saying are at odds with the body language or tone of voice we’re using.
A.
The percentage that you have quoted is basically correct, but isn’t always relevant to all modes of communication.
The figure 55% comes from some research that Albert Mehrabian undertook in 1971, the results of which are still often quoted today. Mehrabian basically came to the conclusion that communication, on a face-to-face basis, is thought to consist of three separate elements:
* Words (what is actually said)
* Tone of voice (how we say the words)
* Body Language
All three of these elements can be conveyed at the same time to express an overall message. Often, the tone of voice and body language are combined to become the most powerful form of communication. However, body language – which forms a large part of non-verbal communication – is often used on its own, and is thought to be one of the most ‘telling’ modes of communication. Through his research Mehrabian also surmised that proportionally, the three elements were not of equal importance. He claimed that in face-to-face communication, the majority of what is put across is portrayed through non verbal communication:
* Words (the literal meaning) account for 7% of the overall message
* Tone of voice accounts for 38% of the overall message
* Body Language accounts for 55% of the overall message
Therefore, through face-to-face communication, the nonverbal communication becomes the most powerful mode of communication when conveying feelings or attitudes – e.g. “I like this”, “I don’t like this”. It is much more likely, therefore, to be the primary indicator.
For instance, imagine that a man and a woman are having a blind date. The man asks the woman if she’s enjoying herself. The woman isn’t enjoying herself at all, but wants to be polite, so she says “yes, I’m having a really nice time”. The literal meaning of the words she uses conveys that she is enjoying herself. The tone of voice she uses in conjunction with the words may, however, betray the words she’s speaking. Her closed, awkward body language may also express that she’s not enjoying herself. So the two non-verbal communication elements may give away the fact that she isn’t having a very good time, despite saying she is.
However, it’s worth noting that Mehrabian has since noted “…Unless a communicator is talking about their feelings or attitudes, these equations are not applicable”. In essence, the 7% figure can be misleading as it could imply that the words we say are of relatively little importance. This isn’t the case - the above equation is only really relevant when the words we are saying are at odds with the body language or tone of voice we’re using.
Decoding Body Language in Intimate Relationships
What does it mean when your boyfriend wraps an arm around your shoulder in a group of people? What is your girlfriend trying to tell you when she greets you without her usual smile and hug? And what about committed relationships where the partners start out showing lots of affection and accommodation for each other but over the years begin to just interact automatically?
The issue of body language within intimate relationships is quite complex and one that is not easily broken down into specific, predictable definitions. It is much like a dance between two people, constantly in motion and combining with other aspects of the relationship to communicate a wide variety of messages.
The Beginnings of Intimacy
In the beginning of an intimate relationship, body language is a primary means of communication. Two people who don’t know each other very well will use non-verbal cues to express their thoughts when words seem too direct or uncomfortable. It is a relatively safe way to get the point across to each other with less risk of outright rejection or embarrassment.
The early stages are filled with flirting and testing each other’s interest. Eye contact is important because it indicates interest; body position is also important because it helps to indicate comfort levels. For instance, two people who sit or stand very close to each other, find excuses to touch each other on the arm or shoulder, or position themselves side by side rather than facing each other, are showing each other that each is comfortable with the other.
As the relationship progresses, more and more touching occurs. This shows up as holding hands, hugging, leaning against each other, and the like. A woman who tilts her head and rests it on a man’s shoulder, for instance, is using her body language to express closeness and invite more of the same. A man who takes a woman’s hand as they negotiate through a crowded room is using body language to express connectedness, protection, and leadership.
Body Language in Established Relationships
When two people in an established intimate relationship use body language, it can take on far more subtle meanings. This is especially true if the relationship is troubled in some way or if there is poor verbal communication between them. On the other end of the spectrum, though, body language can become a special communication tool used to convey messages of love, connection, appreciation, and the like.
It is quite common for couples to use body language when they are unwilling or unable to talk about a conflict openly. Either person might withdraw physically or emotionally from the other, avoiding situations of physical closeness and keeping feelings inside. Or, either person might become quite physical by slamming doors, banging drawers shut, vigorously cleaning something, or the like. With all of these examples, the underlying cause may vary but the symptoms generally indicate the same thing – the couple needs to talk with each other, openly and honestly, about the real issue at hand.
Couples who have been together many years often develop a set of non-verbal cues specific to their relationship. For instance, in social situations it might only take deliberate eye contact, a tug on the elbow, or a tilt of the head to indicate when one person is ready to go. Parents also can become quite good at this process, using facial expressions to communicate when a child misbehaves or when one needs a break from the kids for some reason.
General Body Language in Intimate Relationships
In general, body language in intimate relationships serves a vital purpose. It communicates specific types of information when a relationship is relatively young as well as when it is more established. It can bring a couple together, push a couple apart, or simply augment the verbal communication habits of the two people.
When it comes to communicating intimacy, though, body language is perhaps the most powerful tool available to couples. A touch of the hand, an arm around the shoulder, a tender kiss on the cheek, or a tender caress of the cheek are all great examples of ways couples express intimacy with each other. Learning about and understanding these kinds of non-verbal cues can go a long way toward strengthening and protecting the intimate connection between two people.
The issue of body language within intimate relationships is quite complex and one that is not easily broken down into specific, predictable definitions. It is much like a dance between two people, constantly in motion and combining with other aspects of the relationship to communicate a wide variety of messages.
The Beginnings of Intimacy
In the beginning of an intimate relationship, body language is a primary means of communication. Two people who don’t know each other very well will use non-verbal cues to express their thoughts when words seem too direct or uncomfortable. It is a relatively safe way to get the point across to each other with less risk of outright rejection or embarrassment.
The early stages are filled with flirting and testing each other’s interest. Eye contact is important because it indicates interest; body position is also important because it helps to indicate comfort levels. For instance, two people who sit or stand very close to each other, find excuses to touch each other on the arm or shoulder, or position themselves side by side rather than facing each other, are showing each other that each is comfortable with the other.
As the relationship progresses, more and more touching occurs. This shows up as holding hands, hugging, leaning against each other, and the like. A woman who tilts her head and rests it on a man’s shoulder, for instance, is using her body language to express closeness and invite more of the same. A man who takes a woman’s hand as they negotiate through a crowded room is using body language to express connectedness, protection, and leadership.
Body Language in Established Relationships
When two people in an established intimate relationship use body language, it can take on far more subtle meanings. This is especially true if the relationship is troubled in some way or if there is poor verbal communication between them. On the other end of the spectrum, though, body language can become a special communication tool used to convey messages of love, connection, appreciation, and the like.
It is quite common for couples to use body language when they are unwilling or unable to talk about a conflict openly. Either person might withdraw physically or emotionally from the other, avoiding situations of physical closeness and keeping feelings inside. Or, either person might become quite physical by slamming doors, banging drawers shut, vigorously cleaning something, or the like. With all of these examples, the underlying cause may vary but the symptoms generally indicate the same thing – the couple needs to talk with each other, openly and honestly, about the real issue at hand.
Couples who have been together many years often develop a set of non-verbal cues specific to their relationship. For instance, in social situations it might only take deliberate eye contact, a tug on the elbow, or a tilt of the head to indicate when one person is ready to go. Parents also can become quite good at this process, using facial expressions to communicate when a child misbehaves or when one needs a break from the kids for some reason.
General Body Language in Intimate Relationships
In general, body language in intimate relationships serves a vital purpose. It communicates specific types of information when a relationship is relatively young as well as when it is more established. It can bring a couple together, push a couple apart, or simply augment the verbal communication habits of the two people.
When it comes to communicating intimacy, though, body language is perhaps the most powerful tool available to couples. A touch of the hand, an arm around the shoulder, a tender kiss on the cheek, or a tender caress of the cheek are all great examples of ways couples express intimacy with each other. Learning about and understanding these kinds of non-verbal cues can go a long way toward strengthening and protecting the intimate connection between two people.
Sometimes body language can be even more telling than spoken words. Men can be hard to read, so if you want to learn how to translate your guy's body language, take a look at these examples:
1. He is seated with his legs crossed, foot facing you.
This position is a good sign! It means that he turned on by you... so lean in for a kiss!
2. He is seated with his legs crossed, foot facing away from you.
Bad sign... this indicates lack of interest. Has he seemed bored lately? Maybe it is time to spice things up, before the flame goes out completely. Beware: if he is seated with his legs crossed, foot facing some other girl, then he has a wandering eye.
3. When he holds your hand, your fingers are interlocked.
This is a fabulous sign... it means that he feels very connected with you. He doesn't feel smothered, and he isn't afraid to show the world how much he loves his lady!
4. When he holds your hand, you are palm-in-palm.
Not so good. On the bright side, at least he is holding your hand at all. But on the other hand, he is just loosely holding it, not wanting to get too attached... and that is wear your relationship probably stands too. With this position, he is leaving himself an easy opportunity to pull away, particularly if he sees someone he doesn't want to explain his relationship to. This is a guy who has a fear of commitment, and he might just be using you.
5. He doesn't look you in the eyes when he is talking.
It has been said that the eyes are the windows to the soul. This body language is a clear indication that he has something to hide. If he keeps diverting his gaze, he is not focused on you or on your relationship. This guy has a secret, and unless it is a surprise party for you, it's not good.
6. He keeps touching his hair or his face while is talking.
He is trying to pull the attention away from whatever he is talking about. Why? Because he is lying through his teeth. He is fidgeting because he is uncomfortable, and he is afraid that you are going to be suspicious... which you should be. Tell him to give the truth a try.
7. He is biting his nails.
Gross... but don't give up on him yet. This guy is a basket of nerves, and the reason for his nervousness is that he really likes you and wants to make the best possible impression on you. Hopefully this shy guy will kill the nasty habit once he is more comfortable and relaxed... try to put him at ease.
8. He keeps his arms crossed when you are seated beside each other.
What a grouch! Body language like this just screams, "I am not into this!" Unfortunately, there really isn't a love connection here. And on top of that, he is completely emotionally shut off. He does not want to open up you, and he doesn't want to share his life with you... or probably anyone right now. You are better off. An emotionally repressed man is a tough nut to crack.
9. He touches you frequently while you are in conversation.
Great news: not only is he interested in what you are saying, but he is way into you! You are irresistible to this guy. Plus, he isn't afraid to show affection in a physical way, which probably means he is a good communicator.
10. He sits with his legs wide open.
This can be one of two possibilities. One, he is an open book. He has nothing to hide, and no reason to hide it. He is giving you the green light to share your feelings with him, and he wants to reciprocate in kind. Or two, he is looking to take things to a physical level, and he is hoping that you will follow his lead.
Whenever you are trying to read a man's body language, make sure you aren't getting ahead of yourself. Look for patterns of behavior rather than an isolated incident. Also, be conscious of your own body language. You will notice yourself giving off clues about your feelings. Happy translating... hopefully you will like what you read!
1. He is seated with his legs crossed, foot facing you.
This position is a good sign! It means that he turned on by you... so lean in for a kiss!
2. He is seated with his legs crossed, foot facing away from you.
Bad sign... this indicates lack of interest. Has he seemed bored lately? Maybe it is time to spice things up, before the flame goes out completely. Beware: if he is seated with his legs crossed, foot facing some other girl, then he has a wandering eye.
3. When he holds your hand, your fingers are interlocked.
This is a fabulous sign... it means that he feels very connected with you. He doesn't feel smothered, and he isn't afraid to show the world how much he loves his lady!
4. When he holds your hand, you are palm-in-palm.
Not so good. On the bright side, at least he is holding your hand at all. But on the other hand, he is just loosely holding it, not wanting to get too attached... and that is wear your relationship probably stands too. With this position, he is leaving himself an easy opportunity to pull away, particularly if he sees someone he doesn't want to explain his relationship to. This is a guy who has a fear of commitment, and he might just be using you.
5. He doesn't look you in the eyes when he is talking.
It has been said that the eyes are the windows to the soul. This body language is a clear indication that he has something to hide. If he keeps diverting his gaze, he is not focused on you or on your relationship. This guy has a secret, and unless it is a surprise party for you, it's not good.
6. He keeps touching his hair or his face while is talking.
He is trying to pull the attention away from whatever he is talking about. Why? Because he is lying through his teeth. He is fidgeting because he is uncomfortable, and he is afraid that you are going to be suspicious... which you should be. Tell him to give the truth a try.
7. He is biting his nails.
Gross... but don't give up on him yet. This guy is a basket of nerves, and the reason for his nervousness is that he really likes you and wants to make the best possible impression on you. Hopefully this shy guy will kill the nasty habit once he is more comfortable and relaxed... try to put him at ease.
8. He keeps his arms crossed when you are seated beside each other.
What a grouch! Body language like this just screams, "I am not into this!" Unfortunately, there really isn't a love connection here. And on top of that, he is completely emotionally shut off. He does not want to open up you, and he doesn't want to share his life with you... or probably anyone right now. You are better off. An emotionally repressed man is a tough nut to crack.
9. He touches you frequently while you are in conversation.
Great news: not only is he interested in what you are saying, but he is way into you! You are irresistible to this guy. Plus, he isn't afraid to show affection in a physical way, which probably means he is a good communicator.
10. He sits with his legs wide open.
This can be one of two possibilities. One, he is an open book. He has nothing to hide, and no reason to hide it. He is giving you the green light to share your feelings with him, and he wants to reciprocate in kind. Or two, he is looking to take things to a physical level, and he is hoping that you will follow his lead.
Whenever you are trying to read a man's body language, make sure you aren't getting ahead of yourself. Look for patterns of behavior rather than an isolated incident. Also, be conscious of your own body language. You will notice yourself giving off clues about your feelings. Happy translating... hopefully you will like what you read!
Here, what your body language in some everyday situations might say about your marriage, and how to be sure you're sending your man loving silent messages.
Situation 1: The Hello Kiss
Good signs
"Soft lips that linger just an extra second clearly say, 'I'm happy to see you and I wish we could do more of this,'" says Susan Quilliam, author of Body Language Secrets: Read the Signals and Find Love, Wealth and Happiness. Notice, too, whether other body parts get into the act. "People express warmth by hugging with their full bodies," says Stella Resnick, Ph.D., a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist and author of The Pleasure Zone: Why We Resist Good Feelings & How to Let Go and Be Happy. "They press their hearts together to reestablish their intimacy after spending time apart."
Warning signals
"Kissing with hard, closed lips communicates tension and avoidance of intimacy," says Quilliam. "Hugging" with most of your bodies separated is also a sign of obligation, not intimacy. Explains Dr. Resnick: "Your chest can become concave as your heart literally pulls away from the other person."
Ways to send a more loving message
Okay, so the spaghetti's turning to mush and your kid just spilled his juice. Try to remember that your together-again greeting sets the tone for the evening ahead. Kisses that barely brush your partner's lips send an "I'm just doing this because I have to" message. "Instead, make a conscious effort to kiss and hug your husband hello with the same enthusiasm with which you greet your kids," says Julius Fast, the author of Body Language, one of the first books on the subject. And be sure to follow it up with some generous eye contact. "A long, loving gaze says: 'I'm putting my day behind me and focusing on us,'" explains Dr. Resnick.
Situation 1: The Hello Kiss
Good signs
"Soft lips that linger just an extra second clearly say, 'I'm happy to see you and I wish we could do more of this,'" says Susan Quilliam, author of Body Language Secrets: Read the Signals and Find Love, Wealth and Happiness. Notice, too, whether other body parts get into the act. "People express warmth by hugging with their full bodies," says Stella Resnick, Ph.D., a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist and author of The Pleasure Zone: Why We Resist Good Feelings & How to Let Go and Be Happy. "They press their hearts together to reestablish their intimacy after spending time apart."
Warning signals
"Kissing with hard, closed lips communicates tension and avoidance of intimacy," says Quilliam. "Hugging" with most of your bodies separated is also a sign of obligation, not intimacy. Explains Dr. Resnick: "Your chest can become concave as your heart literally pulls away from the other person."
Ways to send a more loving message
Okay, so the spaghetti's turning to mush and your kid just spilled his juice. Try to remember that your together-again greeting sets the tone for the evening ahead. Kisses that barely brush your partner's lips send an "I'm just doing this because I have to" message. "Instead, make a conscious effort to kiss and hug your husband hello with the same enthusiasm with which you greet your kids," says Julius Fast, the author of Body Language, one of the first books on the subject. And be sure to follow it up with some generous eye contact. "A long, loving gaze says: 'I'm putting my day behind me and focusing on us,'" explains Dr. Resnick.
Your Married Sleep Style DECODED
Bedtime body language reveals a lot about your relationship. Wait till you hear what the experts have to say about your favourite pm position
Happy couples are good in bed, but not only in the way you'd think. Sure, they may have hot sex, but more important, they have amazing intimacy. And this connection is evident in the way they fall asleep, says Jan Hargrave, a nonverbal-communication expert and author of Freeway Of Love. That's not to say that twosomes with the most enviable marriages are the ones who snuggle on a single pillow. “Those with good rapport do touch, but it can be just one hand on the other's,” says Allan Pease, co-author with his wife, Barbara Pease, of Body Language. Why? When we make skin contact, our bodies produce oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which makes us crave greater closeness. So if you cuddle – even when tired – you'll feel more linked. Curious what signals you send out? Let's peek under the sheets...
1.THE LEG LOOP
You're both on your stomachs, sides, or backs and one of you has a leg draped over the other's leg. True, you're touching in only one spot, “but this is one of the healthiest positions, because it shows a couple with a comfortable connection,” says Hargrave. “Not too little, not too much.” The loose leg drape suggests a real friendship. Couples that bond below the hip are also likely to have a practical streak. “You're maintaining contact in the most comfortable way,” explains Pease. “Your legs can touch all night without cramping other parts of your body.” What if your legs are just barely grazing each other rather than looped, in a pretzel-like manner? You're both feeling equally confident about your relationship, Pease says. Just as a couple that really clicks can communiate with one gesture or word, the two of you can say “I love you” with just a brush of your skin.
2.THE OLD-FASHIONED SPOON
You're both on your sides, touching and facing the same direction. This is the most popular position for couples. Some of it has to do with comfort, since most of us sleep better when not face-to-face, breathing on each other, says Hargrave. But this classic pose satisfies more than just a need for a good rest. With its hand-in-glove fit, spooning rates high on the intimacy scale. When you nestle in matching fetal positions, it shows you're being vulnerable with each other and in sync. What's key is who is spooning whom. Though this position is influenced by men usually being larger than women, “whoever is behind protects the other in the relationship,” says Hargrave. “The partner in front may be less secure.” There is an exception: Whoever's holding on tighter is less confident. So if he's behind but clutching you all night, you're his mast in a storm.
3.THE ROAM ZONE
You fall asleep on opposite sides of the bed. Is a crisis brewing? Nah, you're only normal. Most couples say goodnight with a smile, then settle into a more comfy position. (Adults generally move 40 to 70 times per night, as a reflex from their dreams and to avoid cramping.) But if you head straight to your seperate sides without even a passing embrace night after night, you could be having intimacy issues, says Suzanne Lopez, a psychotherapist and author of Get Smart With Your Heart. (Having a big bed is no excuse, say the experts. Connected couples will find a sliver of space to share on a king-size bed, while fighting couples will defy physics by avoiding contact on a single one.) That said, a physical condition – from a slipped disk to an advanced pregnancy – can force madly-in-love twosomes to slumber this way for comfort. Careful, though, or a temp arrangement can become a hard to shake habit.
4.THE BOOTY BOND
You're on your sides, facing away from each other but touching butt-to-butt. What's up with that? Independence alert! Despite the linked derrieres, you're no joined-at-the-hip pair. “You probably have seperate bank accounts,” explains Hargrave. “And you don't need to consult the other before purchasing a big-ticket item like a car or a computer.” Not that there's anything wrong with that. In fact, this snoozing style illustrates a definite bond, but it's looser, since you both like it that way. “Even if you are just touching bums, you've still got that intimate body contact that we see in married couples that get along really well,” adds Pease.
5.THE REGAL POSE
He sprawls kinglike while you cosy up to him. Or you're the duvet diva, facing the ceiling while he sidles up. “Stretching out on your back, especially with one or both hands behind your head, is a typically dominant position,” says Pease. That doesn't mean your man is lording it over you. He may just be feeling cocky about how he's doing in his fantasy-football league. If you're the nuzzling spouse, you're after attention – and may not be getting it outside the bedroom, so plan a date night. One caveat: If this is only an occasional pose, you two could be role-playing, a sign you're a flirty pair. Sometimes a dominant woman will curl up, while her spouse is on his back, to help him feel more macho.
6.THE CUTIE HUG
You fall asleep in a frontal embrace. That could mean only one thing: You're reading this on your honeymoon, you lucky girl! “We call this the newlywed hug, because it's common early in a relationship, when you're desperate for each other,” says Hargrave. Yet this night-time position isn't common in couples after nine months of sleeping together, because facing and hugging restricts blood flow to your arms, says Pease. He adds with a laugh, “It usually stops around the time you show your true selves when he clips his toenails in bed.” If you have been together for years and stay asleep in a bear hug, you're among the most romantic couples. Who are we to rouse you from that happy place?
HIS & HER SLEEP HABITS – EXPLAINED
Gender differences don't stop once the lights are out. In fact, anthropologists have found that some modern sleep patterns have their roots in our cave-dwelling past, says author Allan Pease. Here, a few universal truths:
Men like to be closer to the door
In seven out of ten relationships, the male opts for this spot. And it's not so he has a clearer path to the fridge, rather, “it's to protect his loved one from intruders,” says Pease. “In ancient cultures, the male always guarded the cave opening.” What if you always slumber near the entry? You are dominant, emotionally or mentally, to your man.
Switching positions can be harmful
To your z's. Ever stayed at a hotel with a comfy bed, yet both of you had a lousy night's rest – and you don't know why? You probably switched positions without realising it. Maybe you still slept on the right side and he slept on the left, like at home, but suddenly you were near the door (of the cave).
A woman scoots to her man's space
When he's out of town. “It's because you are subconsciously drawn to his scent, which is still on his pillow,” explains Pease.
Guys spread out
And splay their legs – when you're away. “This is a dominant position: Male monkeys do this,” says Pease. (He also probably moves to the bed's middle.)
Bedtime body language reveals a lot about your relationship. Wait till you hear what the experts have to say about your favourite pm position
Happy couples are good in bed, but not only in the way you'd think. Sure, they may have hot sex, but more important, they have amazing intimacy. And this connection is evident in the way they fall asleep, says Jan Hargrave, a nonverbal-communication expert and author of Freeway Of Love. That's not to say that twosomes with the most enviable marriages are the ones who snuggle on a single pillow. “Those with good rapport do touch, but it can be just one hand on the other's,” says Allan Pease, co-author with his wife, Barbara Pease, of Body Language. Why? When we make skin contact, our bodies produce oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which makes us crave greater closeness. So if you cuddle – even when tired – you'll feel more linked. Curious what signals you send out? Let's peek under the sheets...
1.THE LEG LOOP
You're both on your stomachs, sides, or backs and one of you has a leg draped over the other's leg. True, you're touching in only one spot, “but this is one of the healthiest positions, because it shows a couple with a comfortable connection,” says Hargrave. “Not too little, not too much.” The loose leg drape suggests a real friendship. Couples that bond below the hip are also likely to have a practical streak. “You're maintaining contact in the most comfortable way,” explains Pease. “Your legs can touch all night without cramping other parts of your body.” What if your legs are just barely grazing each other rather than looped, in a pretzel-like manner? You're both feeling equally confident about your relationship, Pease says. Just as a couple that really clicks can communiate with one gesture or word, the two of you can say “I love you” with just a brush of your skin.
2.THE OLD-FASHIONED SPOON
You're both on your sides, touching and facing the same direction. This is the most popular position for couples. Some of it has to do with comfort, since most of us sleep better when not face-to-face, breathing on each other, says Hargrave. But this classic pose satisfies more than just a need for a good rest. With its hand-in-glove fit, spooning rates high on the intimacy scale. When you nestle in matching fetal positions, it shows you're being vulnerable with each other and in sync. What's key is who is spooning whom. Though this position is influenced by men usually being larger than women, “whoever is behind protects the other in the relationship,” says Hargrave. “The partner in front may be less secure.” There is an exception: Whoever's holding on tighter is less confident. So if he's behind but clutching you all night, you're his mast in a storm.
3.THE ROAM ZONE
You fall asleep on opposite sides of the bed. Is a crisis brewing? Nah, you're only normal. Most couples say goodnight with a smile, then settle into a more comfy position. (Adults generally move 40 to 70 times per night, as a reflex from their dreams and to avoid cramping.) But if you head straight to your seperate sides without even a passing embrace night after night, you could be having intimacy issues, says Suzanne Lopez, a psychotherapist and author of Get Smart With Your Heart. (Having a big bed is no excuse, say the experts. Connected couples will find a sliver of space to share on a king-size bed, while fighting couples will defy physics by avoiding contact on a single one.) That said, a physical condition – from a slipped disk to an advanced pregnancy – can force madly-in-love twosomes to slumber this way for comfort. Careful, though, or a temp arrangement can become a hard to shake habit.
4.THE BOOTY BOND
You're on your sides, facing away from each other but touching butt-to-butt. What's up with that? Independence alert! Despite the linked derrieres, you're no joined-at-the-hip pair. “You probably have seperate bank accounts,” explains Hargrave. “And you don't need to consult the other before purchasing a big-ticket item like a car or a computer.” Not that there's anything wrong with that. In fact, this snoozing style illustrates a definite bond, but it's looser, since you both like it that way. “Even if you are just touching bums, you've still got that intimate body contact that we see in married couples that get along really well,” adds Pease.
5.THE REGAL POSE
He sprawls kinglike while you cosy up to him. Or you're the duvet diva, facing the ceiling while he sidles up. “Stretching out on your back, especially with one or both hands behind your head, is a typically dominant position,” says Pease. That doesn't mean your man is lording it over you. He may just be feeling cocky about how he's doing in his fantasy-football league. If you're the nuzzling spouse, you're after attention – and may not be getting it outside the bedroom, so plan a date night. One caveat: If this is only an occasional pose, you two could be role-playing, a sign you're a flirty pair. Sometimes a dominant woman will curl up, while her spouse is on his back, to help him feel more macho.
6.THE CUTIE HUG
You fall asleep in a frontal embrace. That could mean only one thing: You're reading this on your honeymoon, you lucky girl! “We call this the newlywed hug, because it's common early in a relationship, when you're desperate for each other,” says Hargrave. Yet this night-time position isn't common in couples after nine months of sleeping together, because facing and hugging restricts blood flow to your arms, says Pease. He adds with a laugh, “It usually stops around the time you show your true selves when he clips his toenails in bed.” If you have been together for years and stay asleep in a bear hug, you're among the most romantic couples. Who are we to rouse you from that happy place?
HIS & HER SLEEP HABITS – EXPLAINED
Gender differences don't stop once the lights are out. In fact, anthropologists have found that some modern sleep patterns have their roots in our cave-dwelling past, says author Allan Pease. Here, a few universal truths:
Men like to be closer to the door
In seven out of ten relationships, the male opts for this spot. And it's not so he has a clearer path to the fridge, rather, “it's to protect his loved one from intruders,” says Pease. “In ancient cultures, the male always guarded the cave opening.” What if you always slumber near the entry? You are dominant, emotionally or mentally, to your man.
Switching positions can be harmful
To your z's. Ever stayed at a hotel with a comfy bed, yet both of you had a lousy night's rest – and you don't know why? You probably switched positions without realising it. Maybe you still slept on the right side and he slept on the left, like at home, but suddenly you were near the door (of the cave).
A woman scoots to her man's space
When he's out of town. “It's because you are subconsciously drawn to his scent, which is still on his pillow,” explains Pease.
Guys spread out
And splay their legs – when you're away. “This is a dominant position: Male monkeys do this,” says Pease. (He also probably moves to the bed's middle.)
sexta-feira, 5 de novembro de 2010
Do you sleep on your back, your stomach, or your side? Sleep expert Chris Idzikowski, director of the Sleep Assessment and Advisory Service, conducted a study commissioned by a large hotel group. He found a correlation between six common sleeping positions and the personality traits of the sleepers themselves. Idzikowski believes an individual’s preferred sleeping position is seen as a sort of subconscious body language that reflects their inner traits.
The most common sleeping positions (and corresponding personality) identified were:
Fetal Position (41%) Curled up on your side, holding the pillow. The most popular sleeping position, this one was favored by 51% of the women in the study. The personality of these sleepers tends to be shy and sensitive, though they may present a tough exterior to the world.
Log Position (15%) On your side with legs outstretched and arms at your sides. Indicates a social, easygoing personality.
Yearner Position (13%) Similar to the log, but with arms outstretched. Said to indicate a suspicious and cynical personality.
Soldier Position (8%) Flat on your back with arms at your sides. Indicates a quiet and reserved personality who sets high standards.
Freefall Position (7%) Flat on your stomach with arms at the head or ears. Indicates a brash and gregarious exterior who may inwardly be nervous and sensitive to criticism.
Starfish Position (5%) Lying on your back with arms and legs outstretched. Indicates a good listener who makes friends easily, but prefers not to be the center of attention.
Professor Idzikowski also examined the effect of various sleeping positions on health. He concluded that the freefall position was good for digestion, while the starfish and soldier positions were more likely to lead to snoring and a bad night’s sleep. But it may be as difficult to change the way you sleep as your personality itself because less than five percent of people sleep in a different sleeping position every night.
Marcos Tadeu Cardoso
historiador, professor e escritor
The most common sleeping positions (and corresponding personality) identified were:
Fetal Position (41%) Curled up on your side, holding the pillow. The most popular sleeping position, this one was favored by 51% of the women in the study. The personality of these sleepers tends to be shy and sensitive, though they may present a tough exterior to the world.
Log Position (15%) On your side with legs outstretched and arms at your sides. Indicates a social, easygoing personality.
Yearner Position (13%) Similar to the log, but with arms outstretched. Said to indicate a suspicious and cynical personality.
Soldier Position (8%) Flat on your back with arms at your sides. Indicates a quiet and reserved personality who sets high standards.
Freefall Position (7%) Flat on your stomach with arms at the head or ears. Indicates a brash and gregarious exterior who may inwardly be nervous and sensitive to criticism.
Starfish Position (5%) Lying on your back with arms and legs outstretched. Indicates a good listener who makes friends easily, but prefers not to be the center of attention.
Professor Idzikowski also examined the effect of various sleeping positions on health. He concluded that the freefall position was good for digestion, while the starfish and soldier positions were more likely to lead to snoring and a bad night’s sleep. But it may be as difficult to change the way you sleep as your personality itself because less than five percent of people sleep in a different sleeping position every night.
Marcos Tadeu Cardoso
historiador, professor e escritor
Positions
I came across an article that talks about how a couple’s sleeping position can reflect their relationship. My boyfriend and I sleep in all sorts of positions just to be comfortable so there isn’t a particular style to our sleep. Plus, I don’t think there has to be any secret meaning behind the way you sleep, its just rather interesting to see how this article dissects everything down. Enjoy!
The Spoon: “Semi-foetal, genitals against buttocks”, this position provides both of you with maximum physical closeness and is the most common sleep position for the first three to five years of a long term relationship.
The Honeymoon Hug: A position for the early months of a relationship “when you’re so deeply enamoured you wish you could fuse, or just after lovemaking”. Or it could indicate the couple are “overly enmeshed” and “too dependent on each other to sleep apart.”
Shingles: An attempt to focus total attention on a partner, even in sleep. Whoever’s head rests on the others shoulder is the more dependent and compliant partner. Or just shorter.
Sweetheart’s Cradle: A nurturing position when you are “literally being brought in under the wing” and a more intimate position than the Shingles because the partner is being held, like a vertical cuddle.
Loosely Tethered: Five or so years into marriage, many couples feel secure enough to allow a bit more space and comfort into their bed. The emotional current is sustained by a touching hand, knee or foot.
Leg Hug: Establishing physical contact indirectly. Such casual contact could imply that the couple are ambivalent about expressing affection or intentionally withholding it, maybe after a fight. It may also speak of healthy camaraderie.
Pursuit: If a partner turns his/her back and retreats to the far side of the bed this is known as a “freeze manoeuvre”. If one party then pursues and pushes up against the other partner while sleeping, that’s called “Illegal Spooning”. But it also may be that the partner who distances may actually want to be pursued. His or her distancing becomes an invitation – “a dance of the spoons”.
Zen Style: This position is usually pre-empted by buying a larger beds to accommodate one or both partners’ need for space. “Touching buttocks allows for large-surface contact and private connection, but without clinging. “Like two circles, separate but overlapping, this position is a perfect definition of interdependence.” Like a Venn Diagram.
The Cliff Hanger: This retreating may be a rejection or it could be the partner just needs a good nights sleep. Maybe the partner who creates the distance is finally comfortable enough to admit they’d rather get a good night’s sleep away from you than cuddle up together, listening to you snore. The experts however, do recommend a “heart-to-heart to find out what’s really going on.”
The Crab: You can tell this position is trouble just by looking at it. “As if to escape from each other or as if you’re travelling in different directions.” This position may be “acting out an unacknowledged need to pull away from each other, from the marriage”. Or he/she could simply be a creative sleeper.
To read more about couple’s sleeping positions, check out MyLifeTime.com.
Prof. Marcos Tadeu Cardoso
Historiador, Professor e escritor
marcostcj@yahoo.com.br
The Spoon: “Semi-foetal, genitals against buttocks”, this position provides both of you with maximum physical closeness and is the most common sleep position for the first three to five years of a long term relationship.
The Honeymoon Hug: A position for the early months of a relationship “when you’re so deeply enamoured you wish you could fuse, or just after lovemaking”. Or it could indicate the couple are “overly enmeshed” and “too dependent on each other to sleep apart.”
Shingles: An attempt to focus total attention on a partner, even in sleep. Whoever’s head rests on the others shoulder is the more dependent and compliant partner. Or just shorter.
Sweetheart’s Cradle: A nurturing position when you are “literally being brought in under the wing” and a more intimate position than the Shingles because the partner is being held, like a vertical cuddle.
Loosely Tethered: Five or so years into marriage, many couples feel secure enough to allow a bit more space and comfort into their bed. The emotional current is sustained by a touching hand, knee or foot.
Leg Hug: Establishing physical contact indirectly. Such casual contact could imply that the couple are ambivalent about expressing affection or intentionally withholding it, maybe after a fight. It may also speak of healthy camaraderie.
Pursuit: If a partner turns his/her back and retreats to the far side of the bed this is known as a “freeze manoeuvre”. If one party then pursues and pushes up against the other partner while sleeping, that’s called “Illegal Spooning”. But it also may be that the partner who distances may actually want to be pursued. His or her distancing becomes an invitation – “a dance of the spoons”.
Zen Style: This position is usually pre-empted by buying a larger beds to accommodate one or both partners’ need for space. “Touching buttocks allows for large-surface contact and private connection, but without clinging. “Like two circles, separate but overlapping, this position is a perfect definition of interdependence.” Like a Venn Diagram.
The Cliff Hanger: This retreating may be a rejection or it could be the partner just needs a good nights sleep. Maybe the partner who creates the distance is finally comfortable enough to admit they’d rather get a good night’s sleep away from you than cuddle up together, listening to you snore. The experts however, do recommend a “heart-to-heart to find out what’s really going on.”
The Crab: You can tell this position is trouble just by looking at it. “As if to escape from each other or as if you’re travelling in different directions.” This position may be “acting out an unacknowledged need to pull away from each other, from the marriage”. Or he/she could simply be a creative sleeper.
To read more about couple’s sleeping positions, check out MyLifeTime.com.
Prof. Marcos Tadeu Cardoso
Historiador, Professor e escritor
marcostcj@yahoo.com.br
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