Decoding Body Language in Intimate Relationships

What does it mean when your boyfriend wraps an arm around your shoulder in a group of people? What is your girlfriend trying to tell you when she greets you without her usual smile and hug? And what about committed relationships where the partners start out showing lots of affection and accommodation for each other but over the years begin to just interact automatically?

The issue of body language within intimate relationships is quite complex and one that is not easily broken down into specific, predictable definitions. It is much like a dance between two people, constantly in motion and combining with other aspects of the relationship to communicate a wide variety of messages.

The Beginnings of Intimacy
In the beginning of an intimate relationship, body language is a primary means of communication. Two people who don’t know each other very well will use non-verbal cues to express their thoughts when words seem too direct or uncomfortable. It is a relatively safe way to get the point across to each other with less risk of outright rejection or embarrassment.

The early stages are filled with flirting and testing each other’s interest. Eye contact is important because it indicates interest; body position is also important because it helps to indicate comfort levels. For instance, two people who sit or stand very close to each other, find excuses to touch each other on the arm or shoulder, or position themselves side by side rather than facing each other, are showing each other that each is comfortable with the other.

As the relationship progresses, more and more touching occurs. This shows up as holding hands, hugging, leaning against each other, and the like. A woman who tilts her head and rests it on a man’s shoulder, for instance, is using her body language to express closeness and invite more of the same. A man who takes a woman’s hand as they negotiate through a crowded room is using body language to express connectedness, protection, and leadership.

Body Language in Established Relationships
When two people in an established intimate relationship use body language, it can take on far more subtle meanings. This is especially true if the relationship is troubled in some way or if there is poor verbal communication between them. On the other end of the spectrum, though, body language can become a special communication tool used to convey messages of love, connection, appreciation, and the like.

It is quite common for couples to use body language when they are unwilling or unable to talk about a conflict openly. Either person might withdraw physically or emotionally from the other, avoiding situations of physical closeness and keeping feelings inside. Or, either person might become quite physical by slamming doors, banging drawers shut, vigorously cleaning something, or the like. With all of these examples, the underlying cause may vary but the symptoms generally indicate the same thing – the couple needs to talk with each other, openly and honestly, about the real issue at hand.

Couples who have been together many years often develop a set of non-verbal cues specific to their relationship. For instance, in social situations it might only take deliberate eye contact, a tug on the elbow, or a tilt of the head to indicate when one person is ready to go. Parents also can become quite good at this process, using facial expressions to communicate when a child misbehaves or when one needs a break from the kids for some reason.

General Body Language in Intimate Relationships
In general, body language in intimate relationships serves a vital purpose. It communicates specific types of information when a relationship is relatively young as well as when it is more established. It can bring a couple together, push a couple apart, or simply augment the verbal communication habits of the two people.

When it comes to communicating intimacy, though, body language is perhaps the most powerful tool available to couples. A touch of the hand, an arm around the shoulder, a tender kiss on the cheek, or a tender caress of the cheek are all great examples of ways couples express intimacy with each other. Learning about and understanding these kinds of non-verbal cues can go a long way toward strengthening and protecting the intimate connection between two people.

Sometimes body language can be even more telling than spoken words. Men can be hard to read, so if you want to learn how to translate your guy's body language, take a look at these examples:

1. He is seated with his legs crossed, foot facing you.

This position is a good sign! It means that he turned on by you... so lean in for a kiss!

2. He is seated with his legs crossed, foot facing away from you.

Bad sign... this indicates lack of interest. Has he seemed bored lately? Maybe it is time to spice things up, before the flame goes out completely. Beware: if he is seated with his legs crossed, foot facing some other girl, then he has a wandering eye.

3. When he holds your hand, your fingers are interlocked.

This is a fabulous sign... it means that he feels very connected with you. He doesn't feel smothered, and he isn't afraid to show the world how much he loves his lady!

4. When he holds your hand, you are palm-in-palm.

Not so good. On the bright side, at least he is holding your hand at all. But on the other hand, he is just loosely holding it, not wanting to get too attached... and that is wear your relationship probably stands too. With this position, he is leaving himself an easy opportunity to pull away, particularly if he sees someone he doesn't want to explain his relationship to. This is a guy who has a fear of commitment, and he might just be using you.

5. He doesn't look you in the eyes when he is talking.

It has been said that the eyes are the windows to the soul. This body language is a clear indication that he has something to hide. If he keeps diverting his gaze, he is not focused on you or on your relationship. This guy has a secret, and unless it is a surprise party for you, it's not good.

6. He keeps touching his hair or his face while is talking.

He is trying to pull the attention away from whatever he is talking about. Why? Because he is lying through his teeth. He is fidgeting because he is uncomfortable, and he is afraid that you are going to be suspicious... which you should be. Tell him to give the truth a try.

7. He is biting his nails.

Gross... but don't give up on him yet. This guy is a basket of nerves, and the reason for his nervousness is that he really likes you and wants to make the best possible impression on you. Hopefully this shy guy will kill the nasty habit once he is more comfortable and relaxed... try to put him at ease.

8. He keeps his arms crossed when you are seated beside each other.

What a grouch! Body language like this just screams, "I am not into this!" Unfortunately, there really isn't a love connection here. And on top of that, he is completely emotionally shut off. He does not want to open up you, and he doesn't want to share his life with you... or probably anyone right now. You are better off. An emotionally repressed man is a tough nut to crack.

9. He touches you frequently while you are in conversation.

Great news: not only is he interested in what you are saying, but he is way into you! You are irresistible to this guy. Plus, he isn't afraid to show affection in a physical way, which probably means he is a good communicator.

10. He sits with his legs wide open.

This can be one of two possibilities. One, he is an open book. He has nothing to hide, and no reason to hide it. He is giving you the green light to share your feelings with him, and he wants to reciprocate in kind. Or two, he is looking to take things to a physical level, and he is hoping that you will follow his lead.

Whenever you are trying to read a man's body language, make sure you aren't getting ahead of yourself. Look for patterns of behavior rather than an isolated incident. Also, be conscious of your own body language. You will notice yourself giving off clues about your feelings. Happy translating... hopefully you will like what you read!

Here, what your body language in some everyday situations might say about your marriage, and how to be sure you're sending your man loving silent messages.

Situation 1: The Hello Kiss
Good signs
"Soft lips that linger just an extra second clearly say, 'I'm happy to see you and I wish we could do more of this,'" says Susan Quilliam, author of Body Language Secrets: Read the Signals and Find Love, Wealth and Happiness. Notice, too, whether other body parts get into the act. "People express warmth by hugging with their full bodies," says Stella Resnick, Ph.D., a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist and author of The Pleasure Zone: Why We Resist Good Feelings & How to Let Go and Be Happy. "They press their hearts together to reestablish their intimacy after spending time apart."

Warning signals
"Kissing with hard, closed lips communicates tension and avoidance of intimacy," says Quilliam. "Hugging" with most of your bodies separated is also a sign of obligation, not intimacy. Explains Dr. Resnick: "Your chest can become concave as your heart literally pulls away from the other person."

Ways to send a more loving message
Okay, so the spaghetti's turning to mush and your kid just spilled his juice. Try to remember that your together-again greeting sets the tone for the evening ahead. Kisses that barely brush your partner's lips send an "I'm just doing this because I have to" message. "Instead, make a conscious effort to kiss and hug your husband hello with the same enthusiasm with which you greet your kids," says Julius Fast, the author of Body Language, one of the first books on the subject. And be sure to follow it up with some generous eye contact. "A long, loving gaze says: 'I'm putting my day behind me and focusing on us,'" explains Dr. Resnick.

Your Married Sleep Style DECODED
Bedtime body language reveals a lot about your relationship. Wait till you hear what the experts have to say about your favourite pm position

Happy couples are good in bed, but not only in the way you'd think. Sure, they may have hot sex, but more important, they have amazing intimacy. And this connection is evident in the way they fall asleep, says Jan Hargrave, a nonverbal-communication expert and author of Freeway Of Love. That's not to say that twosomes with the most enviable marriages are the ones who snuggle on a single pillow. “Those with good rapport do touch, but it can be just one hand on the other's,” says Allan Pease, co-author with his wife, Barbara Pease, of Body Language. Why? When we make skin contact, our bodies produce oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which makes us crave greater closeness. So if you cuddle – even when tired – you'll feel more linked. Curious what signals you send out? Let's peek under the sheets...

1.THE LEG LOOP
You're both on your stomachs, sides, or backs and one of you has a leg draped over the other's leg. True, you're touching in only one spot, “but this is one of the healthiest positions, because it shows a couple with a comfortable connection,” says Hargrave. “Not too little, not too much.” The loose leg drape suggests a real friendship. Couples that bond below the hip are also likely to have a practical streak. “You're maintaining contact in the most comfortable way,” explains Pease. “Your legs can touch all night without cramping other parts of your body.” What if your legs are just barely grazing each other rather than looped, in a pretzel-like manner? You're both feeling equally confident about your relationship, Pease says. Just as a couple that really clicks can communiate with one gesture or word, the two of you can say “I love you” with just a brush of your skin.

2.THE OLD-FASHIONED SPOON
You're both on your sides, touching and facing the same direction. This is the most popular position for couples. Some of it has to do with comfort, since most of us sleep better when not face-to-face, breathing on each other, says Hargrave. But this classic pose satisfies more than just a need for a good rest. With its hand-in-glove fit, spooning rates high on the intimacy scale. When you nestle in matching fetal positions, it shows you're being vulnerable with each other and in sync. What's key is who is spooning whom. Though this position is influenced by men usually being larger than women, “whoever is behind protects the other in the relationship,” says Hargrave. “The partner in front may be less secure.” There is an exception: Whoever's holding on tighter is less confident. So if he's behind but clutching you all night, you're his mast in a storm.

3.THE ROAM ZONE
You fall asleep on opposite sides of the bed. Is a crisis brewing? Nah, you're only normal. Most couples say goodnight with a smile, then settle into a more comfy position. (Adults generally move 40 to 70 times per night, as a reflex from their dreams and to avoid cramping.) But if you head straight to your seperate sides without even a passing embrace night after night, you could be having intimacy issues, says Suzanne Lopez, a psychotherapist and author of Get Smart With Your Heart. (Having a big bed is no excuse, say the experts. Connected couples will find a sliver of space to share on a king-size bed, while fighting couples will defy physics by avoiding contact on a single one.) That said, a physical condition – from a slipped disk to an advanced pregnancy – can force madly-in-love twosomes to slumber this way for comfort. Careful, though, or a temp arrangement can become a hard to shake habit.

4.THE BOOTY BOND
You're on your sides, facing away from each other but touching butt-to-butt. What's up with that? Independence alert! Despite the linked derrieres, you're no joined-at-the-hip pair. “You probably have seperate bank accounts,” explains Hargrave. “And you don't need to consult the other before purchasing a big-ticket item like a car or a computer.” Not that there's anything wrong with that. In fact, this snoozing style illustrates a definite bond, but it's looser, since you both like it that way. “Even if you are just touching bums, you've still got that intimate body contact that we see in married couples that get along really well,” adds Pease.

5.THE REGAL POSE
He sprawls kinglike while you cosy up to him. Or you're the duvet diva, facing the ceiling while he sidles up. “Stretching out on your back, especially with one or both hands behind your head, is a typically dominant position,” says Pease. That doesn't mean your man is lording it over you. He may just be feeling cocky about how he's doing in his fantasy-football league. If you're the nuzzling spouse, you're after attention – and may not be getting it outside the bedroom, so plan a date night. One caveat: If this is only an occasional pose, you two could be role-playing, a sign you're a flirty pair. Sometimes a dominant woman will curl up, while her spouse is on his back, to help him feel more macho.

6.THE CUTIE HUG
You fall asleep in a frontal embrace. That could mean only one thing: You're reading this on your honeymoon, you lucky girl! “We call this the newlywed hug, because it's common early in a relationship, when you're desperate for each other,” says Hargrave. Yet this night-time position isn't common in couples after nine months of sleeping together, because facing and hugging restricts blood flow to your arms, says Pease. He adds with a laugh, “It usually stops around the time you show your true selves when he clips his toenails in bed.” If you have been together for years and stay asleep in a bear hug, you're among the most romantic couples. Who are we to rouse you from that happy place?


HIS & HER SLEEP HABITS – EXPLAINED
Gender differences don't stop once the lights are out. In fact, anthropologists have found that some modern sleep patterns have their roots in our cave-dwelling past, says author Allan Pease. Here, a few universal truths:

Men like to be closer to the door
In seven out of ten relationships, the male opts for this spot. And it's not so he has a clearer path to the fridge, rather, “it's to protect his loved one from intruders,” says Pease. “In ancient cultures, the male always guarded the cave opening.” What if you always slumber near the entry? You are dominant, emotionally or mentally, to your man.

Switching positions can be harmful
To your z's. Ever stayed at a hotel with a comfy bed, yet both of you had a lousy night's rest – and you don't know why? You probably switched positions without realising it. Maybe you still slept on the right side and he slept on the left, like at home, but suddenly you were near the door (of the cave).

A woman scoots to her man's space
When he's out of town. “It's because you are subconsciously drawn to his scent, which is still on his pillow,” explains Pease.

Guys spread out
And splay their legs – when you're away. “This is a dominant position: Male monkeys do this,” says Pease. (He also probably moves to the bed's middle.)

Do you sleep on your back, your stomach, or your side? Sleep expert Chris Idzikowski, director of the Sleep Assessment and Advisory Service, conducted a study commissioned by a large hotel group. He found a correlation between six common sleeping positions and the personality traits of the sleepers themselves. Idzikowski believes an individual’s preferred sleeping position is seen as a sort of subconscious body language that reflects their inner traits.

The most common sleeping positions (and corresponding personality) identified were:

Fetal Position (41%) Curled up on your side, holding the pillow. The most popular sleeping position, this one was favored by 51% of the women in the study. The personality of these sleepers tends to be shy and sensitive, though they may present a tough exterior to the world.

Log Position (15%) On your side with legs outstretched and arms at your sides. Indicates a social, easygoing personality.

Yearner Position (13%) Similar to the log, but with arms outstretched. Said to indicate a suspicious and cynical personality.

Soldier Position (8%) Flat on your back with arms at your sides. Indicates a quiet and reserved personality who sets high standards.

Freefall Position (7%) Flat on your stomach with arms at the head or ears. Indicates a brash and gregarious exterior who may inwardly be nervous and sensitive to criticism.

Starfish Position (5%) Lying on your back with arms and legs outstretched. Indicates a good listener who makes friends easily, but prefers not to be the center of attention.

Professor Idzikowski also examined the effect of various sleeping positions on health. He concluded that the freefall position was good for digestion, while the starfish and soldier positions were more likely to lead to snoring and a bad night’s sleep. But it may be as difficult to change the way you sleep as your personality itself because less than five percent of people sleep in a different sleeping position every night.

Marcos Tadeu Cardoso
historiador, professor e escritor

Positions

I came across an article that talks about how a couple’s sleeping position can reflect their relationship. My boyfriend and I sleep in all sorts of positions just to be comfortable so there isn’t a particular style to our sleep. Plus, I don’t think there has to be any secret meaning behind the way you sleep, its just rather interesting to see how this article dissects everything down. Enjoy!

The Spoon: “Semi-foetal, genitals against buttocks”, this position provides both of you with maximum physical closeness and is the most common sleep position for the first three to five years of a long term relationship.

The Honeymoon Hug: A position for the early months of a relationship “when you’re so deeply enamoured you wish you could fuse, or just after lovemaking”. Or it could indicate the couple are “overly enmeshed” and “too dependent on each other to sleep apart.”

Shingles: An attempt to focus total attention on a partner, even in sleep. Whoever’s head rests on the others shoulder is the more dependent and compliant partner. Or just shorter.

Sweetheart’s Cradle: A nurturing position when you are “literally being brought in under the wing” and a more intimate position than the Shingles because the partner is being held, like a vertical cuddle.

Loosely Tethered: Five or so years into marriage, many couples feel secure enough to allow a bit more space and comfort into their bed. The emotional current is sustained by a touching hand, knee or foot.

Leg Hug: Establishing physical contact indirectly. Such casual contact could imply that the couple are ambivalent about expressing affection or intentionally withholding it, maybe after a fight. It may also speak of healthy camaraderie.

Pursuit: If a partner turns his/her back and retreats to the far side of the bed this is known as a “freeze manoeuvre”. If one party then pursues and pushes up against the other partner while sleeping, that’s called “Illegal Spooning”. But it also may be that the partner who distances may actually want to be pursued. His or her distancing becomes an invitation – “a dance of the spoons”.

Zen Style: This position is usually pre-empted by buying a larger beds to accommodate one or both partners’ need for space. “Touching buttocks allows for large-surface contact and private connection, but without clinging. “Like two circles, separate but overlapping, this position is a perfect definition of interdependence.” Like a Venn Diagram.

The Cliff Hanger: This retreating may be a rejection or it could be the partner just needs a good nights sleep. Maybe the partner who creates the distance is finally comfortable enough to admit they’d rather get a good night’s sleep away from you than cuddle up together, listening to you snore. The experts however, do recommend a “heart-to-heart to find out what’s really going on.”

The Crab: You can tell this position is trouble just by looking at it. “As if to escape from each other or as if you’re travelling in different directions.” This position may be “acting out an unacknowledged need to pull away from each other, from the marriage”. Or he/she could simply be a creative sleeper.

To read more about couple’s sleeping positions, check out MyLifeTime.com.

Prof. Marcos Tadeu Cardoso
Historiador, Professor e escritor
marcostcj@yahoo.com.br

A VERDADEIRA FACE DOS LIDERES RELIGIOSOS: Bispo Edir Macedo, Profeta William Marrion Branham e Pastor Altemar Freitas Cardoso

Nessa série de livros você encontrará uma versão crítica da história, baseado em fontes documentais primárias dos líderes religiosos, nesse volume em especial você encontrará a história do Bispo Edir Macedo, do Profeta William Marrion Branham e do Pastor Altemar Freitas Cardoso. Líderes que influenciaram e que continuam a influenciar a vida de milhares de pessoas. Este volume possibilita aos leitores de maneira geral conhecer a história, o contexto social, econômico e religioso, que moldaram o perfil desses homens, através de um ponto de vista crítico e historiográfico.
Nesse trabalho foi constante a busca por relatar elementos comuns e pessoais da vida de cada um deles, sem deixar de revelar os sentimentos e as experiências íntimas, elementos que nortearam um dos objetivos iniciais desse trabalho. Com isso a obra possibilita ao leitor elementos cada vez mais inovadores, sejam eles no âmbito historiográfico, religioso e social. Para possibilitar um trabalho que não figurasse apenas em um contexto biográfico foram realizadas pesquisas, tanto quantitativas quanto qualitativas, com a pretensão de possibilitar aos leitores novos elementos na análise historiográfica e da ciência da religião.
Os resultados obtidos nessas pesquisas tiveram como objetivo identificar a influência desses líderes religiosos na vida dos fiéis. Dentre os resultados, constatou-se que para alguns fiéis o seu líder é comparado a um “deus”. Uma porcentagem considerada das pessoas pesquisadas compreende que os escândalos e erros de seus líderes religiosos não comprometem a sua fé. O que torna a leitura desse material tanto interessante quanto importante.

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